Yesterday on VeeSaidSheSaid, you saw the best dressed bitches at the 85th Academy Awards. Today it’s time for THE ABSOLUTE WORST. Get it together celebrities! You have the money for a stylist. It’s worth the investment. People like
Raisin Face Rachel Zoe and my ex-boss know what they’re doing, so please, leave it to the pros.
Let’s start with commentary from the sassy gay man.
THE BOTTOM 5 by David Navarro McDonald
I think a common mistake made on the red carpet this year was tits; tits under the armpits, tits to your knees, or tits wobbling to and fro. Most of these looks are having tit-sasters. I don’t know what it’s like to have tits, ladies, but I imagine they’re the male version of testicles, or, chesticles. You have to give them some love, just not shove them into some fabric and hope that it turns out ok.
5. Fan Bing-Bing
No no no! Your dress is wrinkled and your tits look like a bad origami heart that I tried to make in grade school. (I should have known.)
4. Anne Hathaway (Prada)
Anne, let’s chat. Like Jennifer Lawrence, you were just swinging by the ceremony to pick up your gold swag. This award was in the bag for you. Why oh why did you drop the ball on one occasion where you will probably be photographed the most? I know your hair is at an awkward length since you went all French Prostitute Chic, but dammit, couldn’t you have kept it short and cute for the occasion? It’ll grow after the Academy Awards too, I promise. Necklace doesn’t work with that dress; too many things happening around your neck. Obviously, your tits are all wrong.
3. Zoe Saldana (Alexis Mabille)
Too much. First off, we have her tits growing in a garden up top, a bad Carrie Bradshaw belt, and then the different color hems at the bottom. It looks like she dragged her dress in gutter water and kept it because it felt “crafty.”
2. Melissa McCarthy (David Meister)
BIG GIRLS, you do not need to dress like this. There are fitted bed sheets from Target that would look better than this grey atrocity. This is a moment where you show what you got, i.e., tits. P.S. Real Housewives Hair
1. Kristen Stewart (Reem Acra)
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a celebrity to shower before they go to the Academy Awards.
THE BOTTOM 5 by Veronica Lombo
5. Salma Hayek (Alexander McQueen)
I must ask a simple question: Is that a bedazzled neck brace?
4. Rachel Mwanza
Um, was there a flamenco dance performance that I didn’t know about?
3. Helena Bonham Carter (Vivienne Westwood)
Dear Helena, I applaud your dedication to playing Bellatrix, but don’t you think it’s time to step out of character? The last film in the Harry Potter series was released in 2011. Just FYI.
2. Zoe Saldana (please see the above photo)
This looks like something purchased on the streets of downtown LA or downtown Santa Ana. Zoe, this is the Academy Awards, not Tia Rosario’s daughter’s quinceañera. Dios mio.
1. Kristen Stewart
Dear KStew, Although I do want to try whatever drugs you were on, I think it might be a good idea to stick to marijuana and alcohol prior to a televised event. As with Helena, I applaud your dedication to playing Bella Swan, but I think the whole vampire thing has gone to your head. Your eyes are blood shot and crazy looking, but you are not sparkling in the sunlight.